Post
by ElectroGirlNoir
Summary: A mystery parcel arrives in the house of the young ones...


**Author's Note:**** This is my first Young Ones fic, so here's hoping this is a good start. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own The Young Ones.**

**Post**

"**Neil, Neil!" Rick hammered on the bathroom door, a towel over one shoulder, "Bloody hurry up; what on Earth are you doing in there?"**

**Vyvyan was waiting too, leaning up against the wall, un-amused and scowling at thin air.**

**Mike leaned close to the door and called, "Hurry up Neil, Mike's got a date and he don't wanna wait,"**

**Rick's lips twitched into a smile, "Great rhyme Mike," he grinned, "I mean, that rhymed, but you probably already knew that…"**

**Mike sighed, "Thank you for pointing out that very important information to me Rick,"**

**Meanwhile, in the bathroom, Neil was talking to a rather large spider;**

"**Oh," he said, peering at it closely, "You're making a web. You're not going to catch any food in our house, I can't even catch any food in our house and I live here,"**

"**Neil Pye!" Rick shrieked.**

"**I'm coming Rick- that's Rick, he's one of my housemates-"**

"**So is bloody Christmas!" **

"**No, Christmas isn't living here Rick," Neil informed him.**

"**What are you on about?" Rick shouted, "Get out of there now!"**

"**I'm talking to the spider Rick!" Neil replied, tucking his hair behind his ears.**

**Suddenly, the door was kicked in, and Vyvyan barrelled in, in a shower of wood splinters, "Where is it, bloody bastard, I've been waiting out there all morning!"**

**Watching the unfolding scene, Mike rolled his eyes, 'The amount of doors we go through in a week never fails to amuse me- bring it in boys!' **

**At that moment, two handymen rushed in carrying a replacement door. They rather violently removed the rest of the demolished door and began putting up the new one.**

"**No Vyv, no!" Neil quivered, cowering in front of the spider which dangled from a web, "Please don't kill it; he's not done anything to you!"**

"**How do you know it's a him?" Rick quizzed, "It could be a girl- Hey, you're not supposed to hit girls Vyv!"**

"**It's a bloody spider!" Vyvyan yelled.**

"**Please Vyv!" Neil begged, "I promise I'll be your slave for two weeks if you don't!"**

**Vyvyan paused, rolled up magazine raised above his head, "Three weeks says I don't kill it!"**

"**Okay, three weeks!"**

"**Fine, now get out of the bloody bathroom!" Vyvyan snapped. Neil ran out and the spider scuttled into a corner.**

"**No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!" Rick stood standoffishly, jabbing a finger at Vyvyan who glared, "I'm not moving!"**

**Mike, in the middle of paying the men for replacing the door, looked in Vyvyan and Rick's direction and rolled his eyes again.**

"**Yes you are!" Vyvyan argued, "I got in here first!"**

"**But you didn't use the door so that's cheating!" Rick snarled. **

"**Yes I did! I went **_**through **_**it!"**

"**Doesn't count!"**

"**Says who?"**

"**Boys, boys!" Mike strolled into the room and pointed outside, "What's that?"**

"**What?" Rick frowned.**

"**Can't you see it?" Mike put an arm around each of their shoulders and pushed them towards the door, "Can you see it yet?"**

"**No," Vyvyan shook his head.**

"**Oh, get a bit closer…" Mike waited until they were both outside the door and then slammed it shut and locked it.**

"**No, no!" Rick hammered on the door, "Mike!"**

**Vyvyan grabbed the self-proclaimed anarchist in a headlock, "This is all your fault you girlie!"**

"**Get off me Vyvyan, you bastard!" Rick lashed out.**

**They broke apart when they heard an unmistakable horse neigh from the kitchen.**

"**What the hell was that?" Rick ran down the stairs, "Have you been drinking that stuff from the back of the cupboard again Neil?"**

"**No Rick," Neil replied, staring up at the ceiling, "There's a horsefly in here…"**

"**Oh bloody hell!" Rick threw up his hands and shook his head, "Spiders, Horseflies, Hippies… it's like a bloody zoo in this house!"**

"**Open the windows…" Neil ran into the living room.**

**Rick rolled his eyes, "Right, what have we got for breakfast?"**

**Vyvyan shrugged, "I dunno. A cow or a pig! Or a chicken!"**

**Rick rolled his eyes again, "**_**Neil**_**!" he screeched.**

"**Yes Rick?" Came the reply, followed by a loud crashing sound from outside.**

"**Er, what was that?" Rick called, raising his eyebrows.**

"**Don't worry, it's just Neil, he slept in the garden last night," Neil answered.**

"**What?" Rick ran into the room, "You let a hippie sleep in our garden-" he pushed Neil aside, and leaned his head out of the open window, "Get out hippie! Didn't you read the sign?"**

**Outside, in the garden, was a sign that was similar to a 'no dogs' sign. In actual fact, it would have been identical if it wasn't for the fact that the picture was of a hippie instead.**

"**Oh, that's not very nice of you Rick…" Neil told him.**

"**Look, I've told you a trillion times," Rick shouted, "No hippies on the stairs, in the garden, in the tree, in the fridge and definitely not in the bath!"**

"**Breakfast!" Vyvyan growled from the kitchen.**

"**Yes," Rick nodded, "What's for breakfast Neil?"**

**They went into the kitchen and Rick sat at the table opposite Vyvyan, whilst Neil peered into the cupboards.**

**Mike came down the stairs, looking very smartly dressed, with his hair even neater than usual, "See you later lads, the fair damsel awaits!"**

**Rick made a miserable face as the door slammed shut and rested his chin on his hand, "It's not fair, how come Mike always gets the girls?"**

"**Because you're an ugly, ugly, bastard!" Vyvyan answered.**

"**Oh bloody shut up!" Rick curled his lip into a snarl, "I hate you!"**

"**Good!"**

"**Er, guys…" Neil's voice echoed inside the almost bare cupboard, "We've only got lentils…"**

"**Lentils! For breakfast!" Rick exclaimed, "That's hippies' work! Neil, why haven't you been to get the shopping?"**

**Neil turned to face Rick, saucepan in hand, 'Well, I can't do everything at once, Rick, and that's what I have to do in here all the time; everything. At once,'**

**It was at that moment that Mike came back into the house, carrying a parcel, 'Right,' he said, placing it in the middle of the table and holding up his hands as both Vyvyan and Rick went to grab it, 'This is the wrong address,'**

'**Um, no,' Neil shook his head, 'we've always lived here,'**

**Mike sighed, 'I'm in a hurry boys; this here parcel has been sent to the wrong address. I'll deal with it later. Just leave it here, unopened, until I get back, alright?'**

**The parcel was a brown, cube shaped box with **_**URGENT**_** stamped on the front. Neil, Vyvyan and Rick looked at one another. `**


End file.
